#201: there is not enough dark chocolate

I spent the week picking at two small pimples that became two fiery volcanoes on my right cheek so I stepped boldly into my job interview this morning knowing that I would never make a good dermatologist, but I’m taking big shots at being a nurse.

This was the interview I had been waiting 3.5 months for since I applied in mid-May. (I can now testify that apart from waiting for an ex to come back from Iraq, or that time I waited to lose like, 5 pounds, that’s the longest I’ve ever waited for anything!…bravo to me!) I was friendly and smart and quite captivating if you’d allow me to be so bold. It went well. I made them laugh and we talked about the shoe sales at Nordstrom’s. Can I get an Amen?

That being said, still with no job offer in hand, I find myself between a rock and a chocolate bar, wondering if I did the wrong thing by following the Lord (or at least what I thought was the Lord, and then Bible school, and now flailing around like a little tadpole who doesn’t know one day she’ll be a frog), if I’m behind all of my college peers because once upon a time I thought it would be a genius idea to invest in the eternal things. (I still believe that, in the depths.)

I’m coming out of an environment where I saw in faint glimpses that I am nothing and Christ is everything, and yet I’m trying to sell myself as a perfectly capable, useful (and hilarious!) member of society, and if someone would just believe in me I would gladly give them 40 hours a week (soul not included).

Regardless, the vast unknown is still terrifying, y’all. Somewhere along the way I lost the manual on How to Be a Functioning Adult in Your Early 20’s. Does anyone have it? Can I get a copy? PDF version?

For now, I’m a full-time servant of the living God (He is, in fact, my boss) and desperately praying that my view would be changed from valuing money-making to valuing a solid investment in the Body of Christ.

Fear not, precious one – the prospects are positive because I’m a consecrated person. I have no fear that He’ll abandon me. It’s like when you know that the rollercoaster seatbelt is not going to actually unlock, but the ride is still rickety and thrilling and sometimes vomit-inducing.

I’m rambling. I need more God. See below.

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Meanwhile, back in the daily grind, I adopted Genny as my little sister and we do alright for ourselves.

 

#200: because new beginnings

So the cat’s out of the bag! It’s safe to say that I’m not trying to impress anyone with my blog theme, so you’re stuck with content and words rather than sparkly things all over the place. It’s great that you’re not needy.

The past two months have been a big and late spring-cleaning of Life As I Know It. In fact, this blog is 4 years old but I deleted the past 190 posts, gave myself 9 because I’m the blog owner and I can do that, and am re-emerging like a gummy little caterpillar that is now enjoying her butterfly-ness. (Think: if you were a butterfly, what would you look like?) I threw the posts away into WordPress’s virtual “trash” and I’m really not sure how to get them back but well here we are being impulsive aren’t we.

The Lord made my blog and my writing die while I was in the Full-Time Training, and maybe this isn’t resurrection, but it’s like…wiggling around in the tomb? I don’t know y’all, I don’t have a best friend at this point and talking to myself too much can’t be that great for my social image, right. Like I said, here we are re-vamping the old blogarooni.

I was in a public restroom in San Diego (why San Diego? WHY NOT) and I heard a woman and her wee girl speaking the most elegant French I’ve heard in 3 years, and I struck up a conversation in French with them and suddenly the nostalgia came rushing like a memory hemorrhage. I was going to be French, I was going to go au-pairing and hiking through whatever mountains are over there. It’s fine, I’m in southern California. There are mountains here. Right beyond the smog, the majesty of mountains is there. Work with me.

I haven’t set the course description for this blog so forgive me for being tangential, but quite frankly, I’m starting a new beginning for myself, although I hardly have a clue what I’m doing (both literally with this blog and figuratively with my life – or is it the other way around!?) and if I saw a clue and tripped over it and then it got made into a blanket and wrapped all over me, I probably wouldn’t know it.

I try not to nurture my cynical side but it grows like weeds.

As part of my militant Bible-reading schedule that I refuse to get behind on (because my momma taught me better than dat), I read this yesterday and it made me feel like okay, maybe you’re mostly unemployed and changing haircolor on the reg and eating way too many carbs, but like, it’s going to be okay if you’d just chill for a bit.

“And He said to them, Why are you troubled, and why do doubts arise in your heart?” – Luke 24:38

And my answer was not reckless abandon or abundant peace or anything spectacular or even that spiritual.

It was just a quietly mumbled “amen.” I surrender all my troubles, I repent of all my doubts. I’ll try not to change my haircolor so much.